Our culture has taught us that only rude people set boundaries or perhaps they are only for people who have spent a lot of time in counseling. We have this belief that in order to be a person who implements boundaries, we must do so in some melodramatic or forceful way. We think that people who set boundaries are those that step up on a soapbox, pull out their mega-phone and announce “Hello everyone, please pay attention because I am now about to set a boundary! Thank you for observing this act of defiance.”
On the contrary, setting limits with other people’s behaviors is best done with it’s not shouted through a loud speaker but rather quietly and yet firmly implemented.
Boundaries can be unspoken and steadfast
We don’t have to be aggressive or dominating when we decide to limit the impact that someone’s toxic, or just unwanted behaviors, are having on us. Sometimes we need to simply limit our own role in the chaos and as they say: back away, back away. I am sure we all have had “that” friend who likes to stir up conflict with the people around them. Rather than openly confront the dysfunction, perhaps we quietly put some distance between ourselves and the trouble-starter. Sometimes speaking up is needed but other times it only makes the situation much worse.
I wish I had the boundary skill perfected many years ago. It took me a while to learn the art of the quiet boundary and I was a little more like a soapbox mega-phone shouter. If I had known what I know now, I would definitely have done some relationships differently. One in particular comes to mind and rather than making changes behind the scenes, I chose to openly confront someone who I already knew ahead of time didn’t have the communication skills to handle outward conflict. I was honest with the person about my experiences and the friendship promptly went downhill from there. Now, in my wiser older age, I would not speak up to this person but instead adjust my actions so that my boundaries would still be implemented. Instead of me quietly making changes, the friendship fizzled and was never restored. I had good intentions by trying to clear the air, but because of mistakes in my approach and the other person’s lack of communication skills, it all fell apart. See how unspoken boundaries are sometimes the best approach? We can still achieve what we are looking for and maybe limit some relationship drama in our lives.
A boundary isn’t withholding forgiveness
Setting boundaries can be difficult if we internally worry that we are remaining resentful by setting a boundary. We may even have been told that true forgiveness means having a full restoration in the relationship. Boundaries have nothing to do with forgiveness or resentment but everything to do with the quality of our interactions with other people. We can forgive someone and still not want to be around them or be exposed to their dysfunction. Forgiveness isn’t about returning to the scene of the crime again and again so we can be re-harmed. Forgiveness is something that takes place within ourselves and leads us to a place of peace with our past or present hurts. Boundaries help put an end to or limit the exposure we have to behaviors that don’t work for us.
We have a right to decide who and what we allow into our daily lives. We are the stewards of our time and energy. Some people just don’t need to have access to us or they need guardrails on their interactions. Boundaries help set the tone for what we find acceptable and what we are not willing to tolerate. We have the right to make that choice.
What boundary or boundaries would be good and healthy for you to start implementing? My suggestion is to write it down and remind yourself of your desire to make your life as healthy as possible. Some people may not like your boundaries and guess what? Those are probably the exact same people who need the boundary the most. Ironic, right?
I wish you all the best in making your life as healthy and peaceful as you desire.
Keep Dreaming Big!
You can also view this post at www.plaidforwomen.com
Hi, I am Shannon and I was the Vice-President of the PTA for about 91 days.
When I resigned from my elected position on the PTA, it was in the middle of a swirling vortex of snarky emails, biting texts, lots of eye rolling at meetings and an endless amount of gossip flowing. Those were all MY behaviors! Oh, I should pause here and mention to you that I am the owner and lead therapist of a Christian counseling practice. Yep, the seasoned licensed professional mental health counselor, who also self identifies as a Christian, had become a mean girl.
When I finally sent “the email” that officially pulled the plug on my exceptionally unpleasant PTA experience, I had to sit back and do some serious self-reflection on what exactly had happened to me in the short span of about three months. The normal me is funny, mellow, encouraging of others and happy to be real upfront about my own character defects. I have been a counselor for enough years to know that authentic transparency with ourselves and others is vitally important to our emotional well-being. So what the hell happened to me?!
The bottom line is that our environment greatly impacts us. I started out in the PTA with high hopes that we could make a positive impact on the school that our children were attending. What I found was a seriously dysfunctional version of “Survivor: Elementary School.” Alliances were being formed and flaunted in front of everyone in a show of superiority above other PTA members. A lot of female chest-pounding and primal howls could have been metaphorically heard. I am not good at creating tools out of people and I began to rapidly fall down the PTA food chain.
During one of the Board meetings, it sort of all came to a moment of clarity for me. We held that particular meeting in the empty school cafeteria and I chose to step out of my Vice-President role and silently observe the room from the lens of a therapist. What I saw was the same psychological abuse that middle school girls endure every day but it was coming from twenty, thirty and forty year olds. The room was segregated among alliance pairings and newly formed cliques. The tone of each human pod reflected their particular role within the bigger group dysfunction. One pod was complaining about this and another pod complaining about that. Essentially, it was a human train wreck hidden behind forced smiles and suburban mom attire.
I knew I had to leave the PTA when instead of remaining true to my core values of how mature women should behave, I caught myself jumping into arguments that rivaled the reality TV shows that I truly despise. One good knock down PTA verbal brawl took place in the school library during an overwhelming candy bar sale. Have you been there? Candy bar selling season? It’s precisely the thing that mini-bottles of Vodka were made for. They fit nicely into purses. I am joking! Maybe. Anyways, like I said, I am the owner of a counseling practice and that’s basically code for “If I don’t work, I don’t make money” and since I am an equal breadwinner in my household, being away from the office mid-day had a personal financial impact on me.
On the day I went to help with the candy bar sale, I entered with hopes of volunteering for an hour or two and running back to the office. What I found instead were angry PTA members who needed a punching bag and apparently I looked the part. They immediately made snarky comments about the limited time I had to contribute. What they didn’t realize was that leaving my office to come volunteer literally cost me close to $500 in lost revenue into my business and ultimately my family budget.
I tried to use all my good counselor techniques and defuse the situation but it only resulted in one woman standing up and full on yelling at me about how she had been volunteering so much for the candy sale that she didn’t have time to do her laundry. Laundry?! I sat there exhausted from my typical 12 hour work days and had a hard time finding sympathy that she couldn’t do her laundry while her kids were at school. I usually do laundry at 11pm or on the weekends. This chick was not going to get much sympathy from me and yet, she was truly stressed according to her capacity for a busy schedule. We were at a stand-off of two women truly not being able to relate to one another and at that moment, not really caring. It was out of that lack of empathy that the mean girl behaviors began to escalate.
I had the ability to leave the PTA and not look back. By the way, it was a very hard decision because I felt I was letting my child down but I couldn’t keep allowing grown mean girls to ridicule me and I couldn’t allow myself to become like them. So, what do you do if you can’t resign from the PTA because you’re surrounded by mean girls at work or some other entity you are not willing to leave? I have one piece of advice: Stay true to yourself, your values and your image of yourself no matter what is happening around you. It is hard, I know. If you can be successful, you will have accomplished something I couldn’t but perhaps you will be a part of showing the way for other women who are watching for your lead.
I wish you all the best in your journey to stay funny and sweet, when surrounded by mean girls who grew up and chose to remain mean.
Keep Dreaming Big!
You can also view this post at www.plaidforwomen.com
One of the things in life that interests me is the collective experience of being a human in this world. We often hear about someone who has a “great testimony” because their life was once down and out but then radically changed for the better. You may even have read my own story and were more than a little surprised at the different trials that I have walked through. The truth is that a dramatic transformation or a life story full of chaos, doesn’t make the person any different than someone whose story isn’t as speckled with the highs and lows. We all feel the same on the inside. Sure, there is wisdom that comes only through pain that has been properly dealt with but does that pain have to be extreme or intense in nature to count? I don’t think so.
No matter what our journey has been so far, the emotions we experience are not unique. We all have shared in fear, hope, letdowns, nervousness, loss, loneliness, joy and so on. The circumstances that triggered those emotions are certainly going to be special to the specifics of our own life story, but the embodiment of the feelings are exactly the same for each human being.
For instance, let’s say we have anxiety while doing something normal in life. What is ignited is the same part of the brain that would be active if a bear were chasing us. The body doesn’t really differentiate between a bear and some other less than life threatening trigger for anxiety. The same goes for other emotions. As I have been known to tell many people: tears are tears. It doesn’t matter what caused them to flow. Once they are present, we know the person is experiencing them in all their depth to that person’s capacity.
Why do we honor or revere the life stories that are more like a Greek tragedy, while the quiet life stories seem to be downgraded? Perhaps it’s because we as a population feed off of drama. The tragedy of the plot pulls us in and keeps us watching. We as people relish in the under-dog coming out of the shadows to pull out the victory. Those are wonderful stories. I won’t deny that but I will say that if we are going to truly get to know ourselves and the value that our story brings to the entire picture of humanity, we must stop being as awed by the drama of a tragic life and honor all experiences as valuable.
Imagine if we each honored our individual journey and were very comfortable with sharing all that we have learned. The knowledge base of those around us would be beautifully enriched. We could learn from one another at a much richer level and perhaps, we could even avoid some of the pitfalls that many of us unintentionally fall into.
To know me is to know that I truly value life lessons; no matter how they are learned. Sometimes our best teachers are those that have quietly gained wisdom through truly observing their own lives and living fully aware of their own emotional state; tragic or not.
Everyone has a story.