The idea that as entrepreneurs we need and want people in our lives who are reliable probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise. When we have multiple plates spinning all simultaneously, a business owner must learn to rely on others to help carry the load. If the entrepreneur doesn’t, guess what comes next? Plates start falling and crashing to the floor. Some of those plates represent years of hard work and dedication. Some of those plates symbolize significant portions of our earthly financial net worth. Plates falling means bad things for the business owner and anyone else she or he has along on the wild ride of owning the place. Signing the checks comes with a huge responsibility.
What is one way that a business owner can keep important projects from crumbing into a pile of obvious failure? Be surrounded by Viking ships and not dingy boats. You see, Viking ships are those people in an entrepreneur’s life who are dependable, do what they say they are going to do and basically don’t sink with the weight of normal demands. Viking ships can be employees, contract staff, outside vendors or even people in our personal lives who provide us with the support needed to help us succeed.
As independent as most entrepreneurs can be in their personality, it is super healthy to recognize that we can’t be everything our business requires for it to thrive. Sure, in the wee beginning we were CEO, CFO, human resources and the janitor but as our business grows, that ability to be all things has to shift. Otherwise, we end up being really awful at all the job functions we take on. When the time comes to need assistance in the form of other people, we don’t want to be anchoring ourselves to dingy boats.
You know these types, right? The folks that continuously grumble about their job description or tasks that have been assigned to them. They are, perhaps, vendors who say they will deliver a good quality product at a specified date and it never seems to happen as promised. A dingy boat could also be someone in our personal life who is inconsistent in their care and appreciate of us. They might be that fair-weathered person who shows up when you’re the life of the party but disappears into the water when you try to share the messier side of entrepreneur life.
I sincerely hope that you are currently surrounded by Viking ships who are out there on your behalf holding weight that you don’t need to carry. If on the other hand, you look around and a few dingy boats have or are about to go under the water, it might be time to re-evaluate who you do business and personal life with in this season of the entrepreneur adventure.
Keep Dreaming Big!
(“Adulting” – The Action of Being an Adult)
Sometimes I don’t feel like being an adult. Sometimes I just feel like ignoring the responsibilities that adults have to deal with every day. Sometimes I don’t want to have to follow social norms and filter my words so that they fit into society’s expectation of how an adult is supposed to communicate. Sometimes I want to have a full on public hissy fit and have it be okay.
The other day I was able to witness my child alter-ego in full form. I was in a crowded store shopping for something I must have needed, not just wanted, because to know me is to know I don’t enjoy shopping. Playing into gender stereotypes here for a minute, I think I shop like a dude. I enter stores determined to get exactly what I need, to do so in the quickest amount of time and with determination to not waste energy taking the long path to my desired purchases. I plan in my head how to get in and get out!
While on my path to obtain the items I needed to buy, I turned a corner and there she was. An adorable toddler lying on the floor full on screaming. She wasn’t waving her arms or kicking her feet. She just was on her back, arms and legs stretched out and she was communicating her feelings in a real clear manner. Her mom was un-phased by her daughter’s moment on the floor. Mom was close by and kept on shopping. As I passed by, mom looked up and gave me a nice friendly smile. She was clearly not rocked by her child’s behaviors. She was just letting her have her moment. I wish adults could allow each other to have our moments. Instead we have to shove our moments down, hidden away inside ourselves so as to not disrupt the fake façade of adult life.
By the time I reached the end of the aisle, the little girl was on her feet, wiping her tears from her face and moving on to the rest of her day. It dawned on me that after the shopping trip, the little chick was probably going to go home and get to take a long nap! She was living the good life and she didn’t even know it. I knew it though and was longing to be her for a day.
As adults we can’t let our true emotions hang out for all to see and seldom do we get to take long naps in the middle of each day. Instead we shove ourselves into socially constructed boxes and go do adult life as we are taught. Obviously, being an adult isn’t all bad and comes with many perks. There are just some things I wish were different. I would like to recommend that we all try and find moments in our daily lives where we can step out of our adult constraints and be silly or express our true emotions or take a good long nap. Let’s not get so far away from our light-hearted kid selves that we completely forget what it feels like.
What are some ways you can you set aside adultness for a little while each day?
Keep Dreaming Big!
You can also view this post at www.plaidforwomen.com
Christmas is literally right around the corner and are you ready? Not just ready with the activities planned and ready with shopping done, but are you ready? Ready for whatever may come up, both positive and potentially negative. I don’t know about you, but into each of my own holidays, a little bit of good and a little bit of hassle always seems to go hand in hand. Some years it’s a lot of good and some years it has been a lot of hassle. Such is life, right? Our hope is that we can plan ahead to help create realistic expectations and remove (when we can) the problems that could pop up.
We all want to have great memories of Christmas 2015 and feel included in the club of functional families and individuals who had a wonderful holiday. We want the picture-perfect Christmas morning and day full of laughter and warmth. We don’t want kids to wake up that morning vomiting with the flu or a grumpy family member who decides that December 25th is the perfect day for them to be a scrooge all day long. Yet, both realities happen sometimes. So, what is the best way to squeeze out as much enjoyment of the day? I think it includes planning the things we feel we can control.
For example, I love baking on Christmas day. I love the warmth of the oven on and the good smells filling the house. I pre-plan what I want to bake and have all the necessary ingredients ready ahead of time. I love to watch movies with my family on Christmas day so the day before we will go and pick out some favorites and have them ready for the afternoon lull that hits after the presents are opened and before dinner. I really don’t enjoy cooking dinners because inevitably not all the food is hot at the same time and it drives me nuts! After the frustration of last year, when half the meal was hot and the other half was stone cold, I have decided to set a crock-pot for Christmas dinner. It can sit and slowly warm while I am busy baking and all come out hot at the same time!
I encourage you to think back to last year or years ago and what were sticking points that made the day either really enjoyable and that you can duplicate or on the opposite, what are some things that need to be changed up this year to make the day go smoother.
I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and send you wishes for a day that is enjoyable and leaves you satisfied when you lay your head on your pillow on the evening of December 25th.
Keep Dreaming Big!
Our culture has taught us that only rude people set boundaries or perhaps they are only for people who have spent a lot of time in counseling. We have this belief that in order to be a person who implements boundaries, we must do so in some melodramatic or forceful way. We think that people who set boundaries are those that step up on a soapbox, pull out their mega-phone and announce “Hello everyone, please pay attention because I am now about to set a boundary! Thank you for observing this act of defiance.”
On the contrary, setting limits with other people’s behaviors is best done with it’s not shouted through a loud speaker but rather quietly and yet firmly implemented.
Boundaries can be unspoken and steadfast
We don’t have to be aggressive or dominating when we decide to limit the impact that someone’s toxic, or just unwanted behaviors, are having on us. Sometimes we need to simply limit our own role in the chaos and as they say: back away, back away. I am sure we all have had “that” friend who likes to stir up conflict with the people around them. Rather than openly confront the dysfunction, perhaps we quietly put some distance between ourselves and the trouble-starter. Sometimes speaking up is needed but other times it only makes the situation much worse.
I wish I had the boundary skill perfected many years ago. It took me a while to learn the art of the quiet boundary and I was a little more like a soapbox mega-phone shouter. If I had known what I know now, I would definitely have done some relationships differently. One in particular comes to mind and rather than making changes behind the scenes, I chose to openly confront someone who I already knew ahead of time didn’t have the communication skills to handle outward conflict. I was honest with the person about my experiences and the friendship promptly went downhill from there. Now, in my wiser older age, I would not speak up to this person but instead adjust my actions so that my boundaries would still be implemented. Instead of me quietly making changes, the friendship fizzled and was never restored. I had good intentions by trying to clear the air, but because of mistakes in my approach and the other person’s lack of communication skills, it all fell apart. See how unspoken boundaries are sometimes the best approach? We can still achieve what we are looking for and maybe limit some relationship drama in our lives.
A boundary isn’t withholding forgiveness
Setting boundaries can be difficult if we internally worry that we are remaining resentful by setting a boundary. We may even have been told that true forgiveness means having a full restoration in the relationship. Boundaries have nothing to do with forgiveness or resentment but everything to do with the quality of our interactions with other people. We can forgive someone and still not want to be around them or be exposed to their dysfunction. Forgiveness isn’t about returning to the scene of the crime again and again so we can be re-harmed. Forgiveness is something that takes place within ourselves and leads us to a place of peace with our past or present hurts. Boundaries help put an end to or limit the exposure we have to behaviors that don’t work for us.
We have a right to decide who and what we allow into our daily lives. We are the stewards of our time and energy. Some people just don’t need to have access to us or they need guardrails on their interactions. Boundaries help set the tone for what we find acceptable and what we are not willing to tolerate. We have the right to make that choice.
What boundary or boundaries would be good and healthy for you to start implementing? My suggestion is to write it down and remind yourself of your desire to make your life as healthy as possible. Some people may not like your boundaries and guess what? Those are probably the exact same people who need the boundary the most. Ironic, right?
I wish you all the best in making your life as healthy and peaceful as you desire.
Keep Dreaming Big!
You can also view this post at www.plaidforwomen.com
Hi, I am Shannon and I was the Vice-President of the PTA for about 91 days.
When I resigned from my elected position on the PTA, it was in the middle of a swirling vortex of snarky emails, biting texts, lots of eye rolling at meetings and an endless amount of gossip flowing. Those were all MY behaviors! Oh, I should pause here and mention to you that I am the owner and lead therapist of a Christian counseling practice. Yep, the seasoned licensed professional mental health counselor, who also self identifies as a Christian, had become a mean girl.
When I finally sent “the email” that officially pulled the plug on my exceptionally unpleasant PTA experience, I had to sit back and do some serious self-reflection on what exactly had happened to me in the short span of about three months. The normal me is funny, mellow, encouraging of others and happy to be real upfront about my own character defects. I have been a counselor for enough years to know that authentic transparency with ourselves and others is vitally important to our emotional well-being. So what the hell happened to me?!
The bottom line is that our environment greatly impacts us. I started out in the PTA with high hopes that we could make a positive impact on the school that our children were attending. What I found was a seriously dysfunctional version of “Survivor: Elementary School.” Alliances were being formed and flaunted in front of everyone in a show of superiority above other PTA members. A lot of female chest-pounding and primal howls could have been metaphorically heard. I am not good at creating tools out of people and I began to rapidly fall down the PTA food chain.
During one of the Board meetings, it sort of all came to a moment of clarity for me. We held that particular meeting in the empty school cafeteria and I chose to step out of my Vice-President role and silently observe the room from the lens of a therapist. What I saw was the same psychological abuse that middle school girls endure every day but it was coming from twenty, thirty and forty year olds. The room was segregated among alliance pairings and newly formed cliques. The tone of each human pod reflected their particular role within the bigger group dysfunction. One pod was complaining about this and another pod complaining about that. Essentially, it was a human train wreck hidden behind forced smiles and suburban mom attire.
I knew I had to leave the PTA when instead of remaining true to my core values of how mature women should behave, I caught myself jumping into arguments that rivaled the reality TV shows that I truly despise. One good knock down PTA verbal brawl took place in the school library during an overwhelming candy bar sale. Have you been there? Candy bar selling season? It’s precisely the thing that mini-bottles of Vodka were made for. They fit nicely into purses. I am joking! Maybe. Anyways, like I said, I am the owner of a counseling practice and that’s basically code for “If I don’t work, I don’t make money” and since I am an equal breadwinner in my household, being away from the office mid-day had a personal financial impact on me.
On the day I went to help with the candy bar sale, I entered with hopes of volunteering for an hour or two and running back to the office. What I found instead were angry PTA members who needed a punching bag and apparently I looked the part. They immediately made snarky comments about the limited time I had to contribute. What they didn’t realize was that leaving my office to come volunteer literally cost me close to $500 in lost revenue into my business and ultimately my family budget.
I tried to use all my good counselor techniques and defuse the situation but it only resulted in one woman standing up and full on yelling at me about how she had been volunteering so much for the candy sale that she didn’t have time to do her laundry. Laundry?! I sat there exhausted from my typical 12 hour work days and had a hard time finding sympathy that she couldn’t do her laundry while her kids were at school. I usually do laundry at 11pm or on the weekends. This chick was not going to get much sympathy from me and yet, she was truly stressed according to her capacity for a busy schedule. We were at a stand-off of two women truly not being able to relate to one another and at that moment, not really caring. It was out of that lack of empathy that the mean girl behaviors began to escalate.
I had the ability to leave the PTA and not look back. By the way, it was a very hard decision because I felt I was letting my child down but I couldn’t keep allowing grown mean girls to ridicule me and I couldn’t allow myself to become like them. So, what do you do if you can’t resign from the PTA because you’re surrounded by mean girls at work or some other entity you are not willing to leave? I have one piece of advice: Stay true to yourself, your values and your image of yourself no matter what is happening around you. It is hard, I know. If you can be successful, you will have accomplished something I couldn’t but perhaps you will be a part of showing the way for other women who are watching for your lead.
I wish you all the best in your journey to stay funny and sweet, when surrounded by mean girls who grew up and chose to remain mean.
Keep Dreaming Big!